50 Days!

It's hard to believe I've made it 50 days without a cigarette. When I was smoking, there were hardly hours I'd go without one. The longest was probably when I was sleeping at night. But first thing in the morning, I'd be smoking again. That's what they tell you in the book. You never really satisfy that craving. You are always in withdrawl.

But I'm here. I'm me. But I'm still not me.. There's something still missing. Something elusive. Living without cigarettes is like losing a part of me. Yes, admittedly, a bad part, but it's still gone. I still miss it. I still want it back. I just don't want to smoke to get it back.

I can't tell you how many times I would think to myself, "If I just smoke one cigarette, I will be back to my old self again." But I know that's not true. I will be upset with myself and I will have to start all over again. And I will be back to that addict person I never really liked. The person who scheduled her whole day around smoking.

I just don't want to be nervous all the time. And what am I supposed to do with my hands? I'm trying to learn how to knit. And I'm doing some writing (long hand) to plan a book I'm going to write when I get a computer again. I thought work would be the hardest, and it is, but home is hard too. I don't know what to do with all the time. Exactly how long did I spend smoking? I still go to bed early and wake up early. Then I don't know what to do with the morning time. It's a strange endless cycle.

But I suspect I'll eventually get to a place in my life where I don't think about smoking all the time. When I don't feel the need to count the days. The hours. The minutes. I'll just be me. A nonsmoker.

Until then, I'll count the days and be proud of every moment I go without a cigarette. Until I find myself again....

Bummer...

When I heard the announcement this morning that Harry Potter was going to be sold as ebooks, my first thought was, "Who cares?" (Only because I wanted it to be something cooler...lol) But then I realized with the Kindle and Nook now, ebooks are the new craze, which bummed me out.

Why couldn't this have happened when I had my books out? I remember telling people they were in ebooks and people would just look at me funny. What's an ebook? Now everyone seems to have a Kindle or Nook and I could've sold so many copies of my book if it was still published now. In fact, before I was dropped by the publisher, it was available for Kindle.

Timing is everything...

The Kitty Life

It's strange how we became cat owners. We never planned it. In fact, my husband is deadly allergic to them. If he hangs around one too long, it starts up his asthma and he can't breathe. It's scary. So how did this happen?

It all started with Sam. One day my son and husband noticed a little black kitten on our front porch. It looked pathetic and they couldn't help but feed it. You know what happens after that.

We even tried to keep Sam in our house. But then we had that huge blizzard and lost power and the fur got really bad and my husband got really sick. I never want to go through that again!

Now Sam stays outside, but we let him go into my mom's garage when the weather is bad since the garage is mainly storage. Then one day he brought home a woman. New Kitty we call her. We thought it was just a fling. We hoped. Then one day we noticed she was really fat, but I assured everyone it was nothing! No way she was pregnant! Wistful thinking on my part.

Then one day she was suddenly skinny. Even my mom commented on it. I shrugged it off. Maybe she just lost some weight! A diet! Yes, that's it. Must be. Anorexic kitty.


That's when I got the call. "Mom! I saw a kitten!"


Crap. No denying it now. I reassured my husband. "There's only one kitten! Really. Ok, two kittens."


My son, "I think there's three."

Me: "Shit."

There ended up being four kittens. I tried to sugar coat it. Kept telling my husband three kittens since the fourth always seemed to be hiding anyway. Then one day it slipped out.

Four kittens.

She still won't let us near them. She hisses if we make sudden moves. She has a special call for them which is really cute. Sometimes I'll say, "Call your babies," and she will.

What's really funny is that at the end of the day, Sam will come home from a long day of kitty work and she'll be all over him while he eats his dinner. You can almost hear her saying, "OMG... You will not believe the day I had. Those kids are getting on my everlasting nerve! You need to do something with them."

My mom doesn't think they are Sam's kitten since he's an all black cat and all the kittens are shades of gray. I have no clue. I guess it doesn't matter. It's not like this is the Maury Povich show and I can gather all the neighborhood cats together and find the baby daddy.

Not to mention, neither one of these cats were mine to begin with!

Again, I ask, how did this happen? They are really cute kittens. Me and Scooter will stand at the door in the morning and watch them play while their beleaguered mother keeps an eye on them. I had no idea cats were such good mothers! Even half feral cats like New Kitty.

Eventually some will have to be given away and the adults neutered. We can't keep six cats! That's going dangerously into hoarding area and again, we aren't even cat people!

But this has definitely been a learning experience. I have learned that I'm a dog person for sure, but that I'm a sucker for a cute kitten.


Anyone want a cat? Or two?

Smokey

Every morning I have to tell myself that I am definitely going to quit smoking on the 13th. Every morning I have to do this because I have this other personality inside me--let's call her Smokey McSmokerson--who whines inside my head against quitting. Why now? Why can't we just wait? But we love smoking!

This voice is very persuasive and it's frustrating because I don't understand why it has such a hold of me. It's not like Smokey can give me one good reason not to quit. If I was to write a pro and con list about smoking, there's nothing I can put in the pro column.

I guess because it's a total life style change for me. And I don't do change well. I guess it could also be because I know it's going to be hard. And it will be something I will be fighting for my whole life. From past experience, I know it's not just the first week that's hard. The hard part comes after you get through that and start thinking it will be ok to start again. Just one. It's a party! We're drinking! I can have just one!

It will be the ongoing fight and Smokey knows this so her voice is the loudest one right now. That's why I'm putting my vow in writing and telling everyone that I'm going to quit. That's the only way I can override her voice.Whatever it takes, I will smother Smokey once and for all and kick her ass.

Then all the other voices in my head can have their turn... It's pretty crowded in there.

Sticking to it

Now that I've set a date and started a plan, I have to force myself to stick to it. The problem with me and my short attention span is that I'll be determined to do it one minute and talk myself out it the next. But this time, I refuse to let myself do that. I'm going to tell as many people as I can that I'm quitting so that it will be harder for me to put it off or not do it all.

I haven't decided what method to use it. I've tried the patch and it works pretty well, but the only problem with it is that I got kind of addicted to the patch, so it felt like a crutch. Like I hadn't totally quit. I tried the cold turkey way and it actually worked for awhile. Until something bad happened and I just got sucked right back in. I could go to the doctor and get one of those pills they recommend, but again it feels like a crutch, not to mention, I've always been leery of taking any medication.

But it's all part of this planning period. Maybe I'll try the gum. We'll see. Just as long as I stick to the plan!

The Big Decision

I've made a decision.

I've decided to quit smoking.

This is not an easy decision to make for me. For some reason, I have a crazy emotional attachment to smoking. It's the first thing I do in the morning. I'm not a light smoker and I don't do it as a habit. It feels like a part of me.

Yes, it's an addiction. A really bad one.

My father died from smoking related damage to his heart. He'd quit a long time before he passed away, but the damage had been done. I don't want to be like him. I don't.

There's not a day that goes by I don't think of him. I miss him with all the fiber of my being. He was my rock. My role model. My dad. One of the best people I will ever know. Plus, he was just a good guy. It hurts. Even sitting here typing this, I'm fighting back tears.

It will be three years this year since we lost him and it feels like yesterday. It's still hard for me to think of that awful, awful day.

I really don't want to put my son through the same thing.

You'd think it wouldn't be hard to make this decision knowing what happened to my dad. It has been three years. But like I said, I have an emotional attachment to smoking. It's going to feel like I'm ripping apart of me away. I can already feel it.

I wrote up a list of reasons I want to quit...not just the reasons I should quit, because believe me, there isn't a smoker who doesn't know the reasons they have to quit. Sadly, those are just not enough.

I've set a date. May 13th. It would've been my dad's birthday. It's time. I'm going to start stockpiling what I need. Water. The patch. Tissues. A punching bag. Gum. Hide the weapons.

I can do this. But I know I'm going to need help. I'm typing this up and putting it into my blog because if I don't make it official, I'll chicken out. I'm just not as strong as I'd like to be. But I know I can be.

I know my dad would want me to do this. He always believed I could do whatever I wanted. Be whatever I wanted. Unconditionally. I know his spirit will be there with me.

I can do this. I will keep saying that until I believe it. But at least I have a date.

May 13th.

Ah-ha!

No, not the band with who sang, "Take on me." I just had an A-ha moment of my own!

This morning I started watching Bones and in the pilot episode, they have Dr. Brennan coming in at Dulles Airport and in one of the scenes, they have planes taking off with the White House in the background. Now, I drive past Dulles Airport every day. In fact, I work in what they consider the Dulles Corridor and I know for sure you can't see the White House from there. I even told my husband that the only way that could happen was if you were at Reagan National Airport. It drove me crazy all morning so I "Wikipedia'd" it and it says:

The first scene featuring the characters Angela Montenegro and Dr. Temperance Brennan inside Washington Dulles International Airport was actually shot at Los Angeles Convention Center, while the opening shot of a plane landing was taken from footages filmed at Ronald Reagan Washington National Airport.

I'm just glad to know I'm not crazy. I've never actually been inside Dulles, but the airport they filmed did look fancier than I'd imagined Dulles would be.

I guess that's the problem when shows are filmed near where you've lived and worked all your life. I'm sure this won't be the first time...

But other than that, I loved the pilot and can't wait to watch more! I do love me some David Boreanaz...
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