Smokey

Every morning I have to tell myself that I am definitely going to quit smoking on the 13th. Every morning I have to do this because I have this other personality inside me--let's call her Smokey McSmokerson--who whines inside my head against quitting. Why now? Why can't we just wait? But we love smoking!

This voice is very persuasive and it's frustrating because I don't understand why it has such a hold of me. It's not like Smokey can give me one good reason not to quit. If I was to write a pro and con list about smoking, there's nothing I can put in the pro column.

I guess because it's a total life style change for me. And I don't do change well. I guess it could also be because I know it's going to be hard. And it will be something I will be fighting for my whole life. From past experience, I know it's not just the first week that's hard. The hard part comes after you get through that and start thinking it will be ok to start again. Just one. It's a party! We're drinking! I can have just one!

It will be the ongoing fight and Smokey knows this so her voice is the loudest one right now. That's why I'm putting my vow in writing and telling everyone that I'm going to quit. That's the only way I can override her voice.Whatever it takes, I will smother Smokey once and for all and kick her ass.

Then all the other voices in my head can have their turn... It's pretty crowded in there.

Sticking to it

Now that I've set a date and started a plan, I have to force myself to stick to it. The problem with me and my short attention span is that I'll be determined to do it one minute and talk myself out it the next. But this time, I refuse to let myself do that. I'm going to tell as many people as I can that I'm quitting so that it will be harder for me to put it off or not do it all.

I haven't decided what method to use it. I've tried the patch and it works pretty well, but the only problem with it is that I got kind of addicted to the patch, so it felt like a crutch. Like I hadn't totally quit. I tried the cold turkey way and it actually worked for awhile. Until something bad happened and I just got sucked right back in. I could go to the doctor and get one of those pills they recommend, but again it feels like a crutch, not to mention, I've always been leery of taking any medication.

But it's all part of this planning period. Maybe I'll try the gum. We'll see. Just as long as I stick to the plan!

The Big Decision

I've made a decision.

I've decided to quit smoking.

This is not an easy decision to make for me. For some reason, I have a crazy emotional attachment to smoking. It's the first thing I do in the morning. I'm not a light smoker and I don't do it as a habit. It feels like a part of me.

Yes, it's an addiction. A really bad one.

My father died from smoking related damage to his heart. He'd quit a long time before he passed away, but the damage had been done. I don't want to be like him. I don't.

There's not a day that goes by I don't think of him. I miss him with all the fiber of my being. He was my rock. My role model. My dad. One of the best people I will ever know. Plus, he was just a good guy. It hurts. Even sitting here typing this, I'm fighting back tears.

It will be three years this year since we lost him and it feels like yesterday. It's still hard for me to think of that awful, awful day.

I really don't want to put my son through the same thing.

You'd think it wouldn't be hard to make this decision knowing what happened to my dad. It has been three years. But like I said, I have an emotional attachment to smoking. It's going to feel like I'm ripping apart of me away. I can already feel it.

I wrote up a list of reasons I want to quit...not just the reasons I should quit, because believe me, there isn't a smoker who doesn't know the reasons they have to quit. Sadly, those are just not enough.

I've set a date. May 13th. It would've been my dad's birthday. It's time. I'm going to start stockpiling what I need. Water. The patch. Tissues. A punching bag. Gum. Hide the weapons.

I can do this. But I know I'm going to need help. I'm typing this up and putting it into my blog because if I don't make it official, I'll chicken out. I'm just not as strong as I'd like to be. But I know I can be.

I know my dad would want me to do this. He always believed I could do whatever I wanted. Be whatever I wanted. Unconditionally. I know his spirit will be there with me.

I can do this. I will keep saying that until I believe it. But at least I have a date.

May 13th.

Ah-ha!

No, not the band with who sang, "Take on me." I just had an A-ha moment of my own!

This morning I started watching Bones and in the pilot episode, they have Dr. Brennan coming in at Dulles Airport and in one of the scenes, they have planes taking off with the White House in the background. Now, I drive past Dulles Airport every day. In fact, I work in what they consider the Dulles Corridor and I know for sure you can't see the White House from there. I even told my husband that the only way that could happen was if you were at Reagan National Airport. It drove me crazy all morning so I "Wikipedia'd" it and it says:

The first scene featuring the characters Angela Montenegro and Dr. Temperance Brennan inside Washington Dulles International Airport was actually shot at Los Angeles Convention Center, while the opening shot of a plane landing was taken from footages filmed at Ronald Reagan Washington National Airport.

I'm just glad to know I'm not crazy. I've never actually been inside Dulles, but the airport they filmed did look fancier than I'd imagined Dulles would be.

I guess that's the problem when shows are filmed near where you've lived and worked all your life. I'm sure this won't be the first time...

But other than that, I loved the pilot and can't wait to watch more! I do love me some David Boreanaz...
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Rock n Roll

My son and I were in Target trying to find a CD he wanted and he mentioned his girlfriend wanted to buy it for him. I told him he shouldn't take money from her.

"She said she as my manager and she'd be paying for anything music related." I guess this is for when he's in his band after high school.

I said, "I think managers use the money that YOU make them."

He's like, "Thank you for giving a reason to not accept it! She wouldn't take no for an answer!"

Uh...ok. Young love is strange. But at least he didn't want to take her money. But I'm kind of worried about her career as a manager...

Have you ever noticed...

That a hot girl in an empty locker room means death in TV and movies?

This is why I never dressed for gym. Not that I was that hot, but it could've been a slow week.